Grief isn't a breakup
Many people whose only experience with grief is the loss of a relationship often expect widows or widowers to heal in the same way as a person who has gone through a breakup. This is especially true with younger people who have had little to no experience with death. I found this out when Jim died when I was in my early 30s. Everyone else’s experiences of losing a spouse were either a divorce or break up, so a lot of them expected me to move on by hiding his photos and deleting his Facebook profile. Like, what? Why would I do that?! Looking back now, I can’t believe some of the absolutely asinine comments and suggestions I got, but now I have some more understanding of why people react the way they do. (I wrote a little about that a while back when I talked about shifting to curiosity.)
We all tend to see loss through the lens of our own experiences. Without the depth of understanding that comes from facing death, people may unknowingly (but with good intention) offer us misguided advice. The familiar patterns of moving on from a breakup—like getting rid of photos, severing ties with family, or avoiding conversations about the person—are sometimes assumed to apply to the death of a spouse. They assume that if a person has not erased their deceased loved one from their lives, that they are somehow stuck and need to get rid of things to heal.
This could not be further from the truth. Continuing to talk about a person, keeping their things, keeping photos up, etc, etc, is actually a sign of a healthy bond. (You can read more about that in Continuing Bonds).
When a spouse dies, the relationship doesn’t simply end. It’s not supposed to. It simply transforms, becoming something the bereaved continue to carry with them, for as long as we’d like. The person isn’t "gone" in the way they might be after a breakup or divorce. Holding onto photos, maintaining bonds with the deceased’s family, and speaking of (and to) the person serves as a path to healing rather than obstacles to that healing.
To someone who hasn’t faced a profound loss, these distinctions may seem insignificant, or even elicit an eyeroll or two, but for those walking the path of widowhood, they’re crucial. It's a reminder that everyone’s grief journey is different and nuanced. Losing a spouse is not something to "move on" from, but rather something to learn to live with.
Keep holding on to them in the way that YOU choose.