Living life on our terms is the ultimate act of love.

...but that is easier said than done.

“Continuing to live is not a betrayal to those who have passed away.”

This quote from the Forced Joy Project spoke to my soul. It reminded me of the judgement I faced after my husband, Jim, passed away—judgements I often directed at myself. I hear similar struggles from my clients, too. We all, in our own ways, have questioned whether moving forward in our lives means betraying our loved ones who are no longer with us.

But it is not a betrayal. In fact, it’s the opposite.

When we're grieving, we want to move forward and heal. We're told that it’s healthy to do so. But then someone might say, “Wait, stop—make sure you’re truly feeling your feels.” This creates a confusing situation where we’re left uncertain about what’s right, what’s wrong, and what’s healthy.

The truth is, there’s no definitive right or wrong. Grieving, healing, hurting, and loving are all intertwined in this one complex, painful, yet beautiful experience called life.

We should never force ourselves (or others) to move forward before it feels right. And it won’t feel right all at once. Moving forward can be like dipping a toe into cold water—initially painful and shocking, with our minds screaming "No!" But over time, it becomes more bearable.

Forcing ourselves to feel okay with their absence while we try to live joyfully (or not so joyfully) can diminish the emotions we experience in grief. What we truly want is for our loved ones to be here with us, to share our successes, give us advice, and simply be with us again.

This healing process can take months, years, or even decades. That doesn’t mean we’ll hurt the same way throughout. Healing is a journey, not a destination with a clear endpoint where we can say, “I’ve moved forward.” We just keep going.

Along the way, we’ll experience moments of joy, and, oh my God, will it hurt. It may send us into a spiral of guilt, making us question if we should even feel happiness. That guilt can pull us back into the familiar pain and tell us:

We’ve betrayed them.

But we haven’t. We’re living our lives on our terms, carrying with us everything they gave and taught us.

Living a life that honors what they taught us is the ultimate act of love for those we miss.