Did that seriously happen a decade ago? Time really is different for some of us.
Time distortion, grief, and chronic pain.
There are studies that show the concept of time changes for people who have gone through trauma, those who are experiencing grief, AND those who are experiencing chronic pain. When we add the fact that experiencing grief and trauma can create chronic pain - or that chronic pain can create grief and trauma, no wonder some of us are wandering around not realizing it’s been two years (or two decades) since we did something….
Case in point, I just ran into one of my favorite photographers in the area and she said, “I still need to get more photos of you fly-fishing.” I looked at her and realized how much in my life had changed since she saw me 3 years ago.
Everything had been slowly going downhill since my mastectomy, and a year ago I couldn’t even walk around the block near our house. I was using a cane and truly mourning my lost active life. The time where I was active seemed jointly just yesterday and also eons ago. It felt (and feels) oddly like when I think or talk about when my husband died. Kind of yesterday, somewhat very, very long ago, even over the decade that is reality.
Why this time distortion? There are a few reasons:
Searching for the Lost: According to The Grieving Brain, our brains also are constantly searching for the being who has died. This takes a lot of time and energy, leading to lost time. In addition, everyday routines can feel meaningless. Time spent without our loved one might feel wasted, leading to a sense of urgency to "catch up" or fill the void. This can manifest as frantically trying to cram activities into a seemingly shortened day. This searching for the lost can also be a yearning for a healthy time, for those of us who also deal with chronic illnesses or pain. This is also why some of us try to shove a bunch of activities into days when we feel better, making us feel much worse the next day or days.
Shrinking or Expanding Time: Certain moments, like anniversaries or birthdays, can become emotional pressure cookers. As we anticipate or relive these dates, time seems to stretch and condense. Conversely, the happy memories we hold dear can feel fleeting, compressed into snapshots within the vast expanse of grief. In terms of chronic pain and expanding time, a study by the University of South Australia explored how chronic pain can distort time perception. They found that the brain processes stimuli from painful areas more slowly. This altered processing might also affect how people perceive the passage of time, although more research is probably needed.
Here are two more resources on grief and time distortion:
Documentary: Speaking Grief (https://wpsu.psu.edu/tv/programs/speaking-grief/) This documentary explores various aspects of grief, including the concept of time distortion. While not a scientific study, it offers personal accounts that can be insightful.
Article: Temporal Perspectives and the Phenomenology of Grief (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S2352250X21001524) This article dives into the philosophical aspects of grief and time perception. It explores how grief can disrupt the way we experience the passage of time, feeling both stretched and compressed.
So what do we do about it?
Don’t try to make up time by shoving a bunch of activities into one day because you’ve missed out on things while mourning - or sleeping. You’ll just feel worse for longer. (also, I am well aware that this is a “do as I say not as I do” moment. Ha! I won’t get into how I thought I would be training for a half marathon by now 😂).
Do give yourself some moments to feel the length of time that has gone by. Sometimes the further away a date is, the more we feel like they are drifting further from us. That can be terrifying. Know that they are truly always with us, no matter how long ago they left us.
If you feel any of the above, just know that it is normal, and try to give yourself some grace. We don't need a science degree to understand that time distortion in grief is normal, but knowing there's research on it can be comforting. It's a real experience for us, even if it feels strange.