“Does grief get better” (or easier or less horrid or less *whatever*) is a question I get a lot both in readings and in seminars.
I will attempt to answer this from two lenses: my experience as a widow, and my background as a professional grief educator and researcher.
First of all, as a grief educator, I can tell you this is true: if you are still missing your person (or animal) 50+ years later, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Our relationship changes with our loved ones over time, and sometimes that means we still miss them.
Not because I say so, but because the research and science say so.
This concept is called Continuing Bonds and has been explored and verified since 1996 when Klass, Silverman, and Nickman first published their findings. They saw that the linear views of grief (like the stages of grief, for instance) weren’t a true reflection of the complicated and multifaceted nature of the grief process.
Those of us who have lost someone know this to be intuitively true, even if well-meaning individuals have told us otherwise. It is nice to be able to point to objective research when people think we’re “delayed” in our grief, so if you’re looking for the science behind the concept, here’s some research on how Continuing Bonds works:
Research based articles on Continuing Bonds:
My favorite consumer-focused article on the concept is from What’s Your Grief - A Grief Concept You Should Care About: Continuing Bonds. I love this quote from the piece:
2. Continuing bonds says that it's normal to stay connected with your loved one.
Not only does CB validate that grief is ongoing, it supports the idea that we, as bereaved people, remain connected with our loved ones, often for our entire lives. We don't detach from them or leave them behind, we carry them with us throughout our lives. Interestingly, Klass and colleagues also found that these relationships are not static. Instead, they evolve and mature right along with us, so that you see and relate to your deceased loved ones through a different lens at 30, 40, 50 and so on.
This is another great article from them: We Don't Recover From Grief, and that's Okay - Whats your Grief , which leads nicely to the next part of my thoughts.
As a widow this is my view on how grief progresses:
Does it get better? Kinda kinda sorta maybe not really but also yes.
Grief changes over time (and no, I don’t mean time heals all wounds). Our relationship with our loved ones (people or pets) grows and changes. It isn’t a stagnant thing that we just get over. We think of them on important dates, on not so important dates, and in the mundane activities of our day to day lives. Smells remind us, songs remind us, we see their friends and family grow up and change and wish they could see it in person. If we tear up or have a difficult day because of these feelings, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us, it means we’re human.
True story - when Sam and I got married I actually started crying because I wanted Jim to know I was ok and had found someone -and then I started laughing at how ridiculous that statement was 🤦♀️😂. We can be remarried and have moments of wanting to tell our spouses something, or moments of wishing they could see something, or just wanting to ask their advice on something. All of this means we are human and have love in our hearts. It doesn’t mean we are delayed in our grief and need to move on.
So, when I’m asked if grief gets better, I hesitate, because it actually does get somewhat physically better (I certainly don’t have to ice my eyes from crying), but grief will always be there. Our relationship with it just changes and grows.
The Ralph Site has a great way of showing this concept:
If you’ve learned anything from me over the past years, I hope it’s that grief is your grief, and that your progress is yours and yours alone. So whatever feeling “better” in your grief looks like, move towards that and know that you are doing that right.
xoxo
Hannah
References:
Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. (2014). Continuing bonds: New Understandings of Grief. Taylor & Francis.
I lost my husband a few months ago and I’ve been reading about continuing bonds the last few days and found your post, thanks for sharing your experience! 💛
Thank you
Yes
Beautiful