Sorry, you can't get an A+ in grieving.
Why perfectionism extends to grief and change, and what to do about it.
If you’re a perfectionist “I have to get this right” person, I hate to tell you this, but it will translate to your grief. Grief over a person, a pet, a thing, a job, a body part, anything.
You will obsess over doing all the things right. You’ll read every blog, every book, and every “sign” you see. You’ll obsess over podcasts, over conversations with yourself in your own head, and on what you should have said or done.
You’ll ask everyone around you what you should do, rather than trusting yourself to know what you need to do. You might even listen to really, really bad advice that someone throws your way, because you think “oh wow, maybe I AM doing this wrong”. When in fact, that advice is just to get you to feel like hell about yourself. (Energy vampires, bad actors, and others can smell a lost person a million miles away, I swear. This can lead to abusive relationships post loss, but I’ll talk about that another time.)
All of this obsessing over grieving perfectly is done in an effort to avoid the pain. If I just “do it right” and look for advice outside myself, then I won’t feel bad, I won’t hurt, and I’ll get an A++ in Grief & Change AP Honors Track. Maybe even a gold star!
Sounds familiar? You were probably in a gifted and talented program in grade school. Just kidding - sort of.😂
These feelings of needing to grieve perfectly come from a lifetime of trying to prove to ourselves that we are good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it people will like me I will like myself.
You know what that does? It delays our pain, makes things take way longer than they should, and makes us physically sick.
How do we cope with that, while also acknowledging that we are going to keep trying to do things “the right way?
1. Challenge that internal "right" way narrative:
Perfectionism thrives on the idea of a single "right" way to do things. But grief is a deeply personal experience. Acknowledge that there's no one-size-fits-all approach. Let go of the need to find the "perfect" way to grieve and embrace the messy, unpredictable nature of the process.
2. Allow yourself grace:
Perfectionism often leads to harsh self-criticism. Instead, practice self-compassion. Recognize that you're hurting and that's okay. Grant yourself permission to feel your emotions, make mistakes, and take things one day at a time. Remind yourself that healing takes time and there will be setbacks.
3. Trust your intuition and inner compass:
While there's no single "right" way to grieve, you have a unique inner wisdom guiding you. Perfectionism can drown out your intuition, making you rely on external sources for validation. Instead, learn to trust your gut feelings about what feels right for YOU in your grief journey.
Honor your needs: Pay attention to your emotional and physical needs. Do you crave quiet time alone or need the comfort of social interaction? Listen to your body's signals for rest and self-care.
Make decisions with your heart: Don't feel pressured to rush major life decisions during grief. Trust yourself to make choices that align with your values and what feels best for your healing process.
Embrace the uncomfortable: Grief often involves exploring uncomfortable emotions. Trust that your inner compass will guide you through these challenges, even if it means facing difficult feelings.
By trusting yourself, you can navigate grief with self-compassion, even if it doesn't feel "perfect."
You don’t need that A+, I promise - even if it feels like it might make you feel just a little bit better. ❤️