Loss Makes Us Love Harder

How grief stretches our hearts and gifts us with a greater capacity for love

One of the most powerful lessons I have learned since my husband died is that people who have experienced loss can love harder than we ever thought possible.

We love with a depth I did not know existed, and we can & do deeply love the people who come after - at the same time as we love the person we miss.

As I wrote in 10 (ok 11) Things Your Widowed Friend Needs You to Know:

We can love our new partners & spouses FULLY while at the same time missing and loving our late husbands/wives/fiancees/partners. Don’t judge until you’ve been in our shoes. I certainly did not understand this capacity for love until Jim died.

I’m lucky enough to not have had to argue this with my late husband’s family, nor with Sam’s family. I HAVE, however, had to argue about this with other individuals, sooooo if you’re dealing with this, you’re not alone, and you’re NOT wrong that you can love more than you ever thought possible. Follow your gut.

This is not some sort of toxic positivity post, I promise. (And if you have chosen to NOT date or remarry after your significant other has passed, this isn’t telling you should. We ALL grieve differently, as I have talked about in many articles. This is a nonjudgement zone.)

Going through loss shapes our capacity to love in amazing ways, and here’s the data to back that up, if you need it 😉.

1. When we experience loss, it opens our hearts to empathy and compassion for others going through similar challenges. Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that people who have experienced loss tend to show higher levels of empathy (Eisenberger, 2006). The pain we feel from loss can help us connect with others on a deeper level, leading to more loving and compassionate relationships.

2. Loss reminds us how fragile life is, urging us to cherish the present and the people in it. A study from the University of California, Berkeley, found that those who faced the loss of a loved one reported an increased ability to enjoy positive experiences and find joy in everyday moments (Ong, 2006). By embracing the present and treasuring our loved ones, we love more intensely and appreciate the beauty around us.

3. Loss often makes us reevaluate our relationships and focus on genuine connections. The American Psychological Association notes that people who have experienced loss tend to invest in nurturing meaningful relationships because they understand the value of emotional support (APA, 2019). Loss teaches us to spend our time and energy on people who truly reciprocate our love, leading to deeper and more fulfilling bonds.

4. Moving through loss builds resilience and promotes personal growth, allowing us to love harder. A study from the University of North Carolina discovered that those who experienced significant loss reported increased personal strength, a stronger sense of purpose, and overall growth (Tedeschi, 2004). Adversity taps into our inner strength, empowering us to love fiercely and overcome future challenges.

5. Loss can also foster gratitude and bring more meaning to our lives, amplifying our capacity to love. The Journal of Positive Psychology published research revealing that those who have experienced loss tend to exhibit higher levels of gratitude and a greater focus on what truly matters (Wood, 2010). By appreciating the love and connections that remain, we find purpose in our relationships, fueling our ability to love with unwavering devotion.
   

It hurts like hell in the process, but grief and loss stretch our hearts and gift us with a greater capacity for love.

Never forget that, and never question your newfound loving superpower. We earned it.