Our Own Unrealistic Expectations Are Killing Us Inside

And what to do about it.

Perfectionist people of the interwebs - I see you.

We give other people grace, but we would never give ourselves that same grace. Our own unrealistic expectations of who we should be - and what we should be accomplishing - are making us emotionally exhausted - and sometimes physically sick.

I wrote on Facebook earlier this month that I’ve spent past decade trying to figure out who I am. For most of my adult years my identity was a photographer, a runner, an ice angler, and a person who could go on adventures when she wanted to. I can’t do those things anymore, and some days it destroys me inside. I don’t see all that I have overcome.

In the past 12 years: my husband died, my life went viral, I’ve had too many tick borne diseases to count, a few (3) rare disease diagnoses, multiple trips to Mayo Clinic, a breast cancer diagnosis, and a double mastectomy. I’ve needed a cane to walk, moved 7 times, closed 2 businesses, started grad school, gotten married to a great guy, and created a grief coaching and mediumship business so I can still make a living while recovering from chronic illnesses.

Why is this all important? Because no matter how much I have overcome and pivoted, I never feel as if it is enough.

The minute I try to live up to other peoples’ expectations, and the unrealistic expectations of my own mind, I lose my shit. I make myself sicker just trying to be perfect. Whatever perfect is.

I know I am not alone. I’m pretty sure if any one of us cured cancer we would still say “well, I guess I could have done that sooner if I had just applied myself.”

What?

Why do we punish ourselves this way?

How do we learn to give ourselves the grace to achieve realistic goals and, in turn, be physically and mentally, healthy?

• By acknowledging how bad ass we truly are. Even if it means looking at our resume and remembering how much we’ve accomplished.

• By not setting ourselves up for failure by having goals that don’t match what we are truly capable of. 5 years ago a daily goal of walking around the block every day for me would be laughable because I was running 6 - 8 miles a day. Now that walk around the block is my top goal for the summer. When I get it done 4 days in a row, I feel amazing, and that feeling turns into a productive and healthy mental health day.

• By listening to our gut that says “I’m not done yet” - even if it’s hard to get out of bed that day.

• By putting a sticky note somewhere reminding us that we are loved.

• By having a friend remind us that we are important.

• By not comparing our lives to random strangers on the internet.

• By being aware of how we talk to ourselves. If we constantly tell ourselves that we are not good enough or that we will never succeed, we are setting ourselves up for failure.

• By being flexible and willing to adjust our expectations. Shit happens and things don't always go according to plan. Be a willow tree and bend with the wind.

Listen, I get it. Life is weird, wonderful, crappy, exciting, terrifiying, exhausting, and boring, all at once (and probably more than that). We can’t control those aspects of our lives. What we can control is giving ourselves the grace to be our imperfect beautiful selves.