The Grief Olympics?

Nope.

I recently had a woman tell me she knew grief “better than anyone” because hers was the “worst kind”, and that I should stop writing about grief because I didn’t know anything.

Ok then. I realize she was projecting some other things on to me, but it did lead me to this article:

There is no Grief Olympics.

Everyone’s grief is completely different, and no one’s grief is worse than someone else’s. You can know your own grief well, but, as I have said before, grief is a fingerprint that is yours and yours alone.

There is ZERO competition in grief. None. Nada. It ALL hurts like hell. It doesn’t matter if it’s a person, pet, spouse, child, or parent who has died. None of us are grieving more or less than another person.

As with everything, I am writing this as a grief professional as well as a fellow griever. My own combo o’ grief is mine. Someone may have a similar one, but it will never be exactly the same.

For those of us who historically diminish our feelings, this is for you. We are our own worst critics - and this extends to our self judgement during grief. We look at our situation and say it’s worse/better/less/more than another person’s grief situation.

Your grief is your grief, and you should not minimize or dismiss your own loss because:

• it’s “not as bad” as someone else’s grief.

• it’s “just” your pet

• it’s “just” a former partner/divorced spouse/ex

• You had time to say goodbye when other people lose their loved ones unexpectedly.

• The person lived a good, long life.

• It’s a non-death loss.

• Etc.
  

Grief science and education AKA Thanatology has quite a bit to say about the physical symptoms that occur when we minimize our grief and don’t process it. I wrote about it here:

Grief, shame, and what's making you sick.

So do your thang, grief wise. It’s healthy!

This also leads me to my next point: Just because one person (who doesn’t study grief ) says their “journey” happened one way doesn’t mean that it’s the only way. If they look at you like you’re doing something wrong, or even worse TELL YOU you’re “grieving wrong”, just know that you’re fine. Their attitude is more about what is happening in their own heads.

By personally acknowledging the diversity of grief experiences, we can all create a more supportive environment for everyone, with no need for competition. Grief sucks enough. Moving beyond judging ourselves and others to embrace the many paths through grief keeps us all healthy and thriving.