Why we need to remove "strong" from our grief vocabulary.
"I wish I were stronger" punishes us when we least need it, makes us sick, and probably delays our grief.
If you don’t cry, you’ll get sick.
If you are ashamed of your response, you’ll get sick.
If you are pushing things down because you feel you need to be stronger or strong for others, you’ll get sick.
See a pattern here?
Not allowing ourselves to feel our feelings actually makes our physical and mental healing process take longer than it should.
Don’t just take my word for it, though. The science behind this is eye opening to say the least, as I talk about it in Grief, shame, and what’s making you sick:
Turns out, shame causes our immune systems to release cytokines, which leads to inflammation. Inflammation can lead to chronic illness, weight gain, autoimmune diseases, and more. It can also trigger underlying conditions.
This is why we need to remove the word “strong” from our grief vocabulary and just let ourselves *be*.
Does crying suck? yes.
Does feeling like the world is ending suck? yes.
Does feeling like you are completely alone in a vacuum of silence suck? yes.
Would it be nice to move through grief to the part where it sucks a little less, and doesn’t make you sick? YES.
This is how to stay healthy and move through grief to the part where it sucks less:
Give yourself the time to feel all the feels. Feel yourself judging and telling yourself you should be stronger - for yourself, your kids, your spouse, whoever? Remove that self judgement. You’re doing what you need to do to heal. You’re not being a wimp.
Give yourself the grace when you feel like you are backsliding (see: The 2nd Year). It is normal, and you are not delayed or stuck. Backsliding actually means you are healing because your brain is acknowledging what has happened. There is NOTHING wrong with you. (This can be 2 years or 20 years or 50 years - it doesn’t matter.)
Give yourself the space to feel the feels. This may mean physical space - like going in a separate room to cry, or it may mean spiritual space, like praying and yelling at the higher power of your choice.
Grief is grief, and it will take the time that it takes, but you can lessen the physical effects, and maybe even move through the REALLY hard parts more quickly, by not pushing those feelings to the side by forcing yourself to be “strong”.
Did I do all of this when my husband died, or my dogs Scout or Savannah died, or when I had my double mastectomy? No. I delayed my mental healing by pretending everything was fine and made myself very sick in the process.
I did, however, follow my own advice when my dog Stewie died. It hurt like hell, and I thought I was in the middle of a breakdown because it hurt worse than when my husband died, but I was much healthier physically than I expected to be. I attribute this to the fact that I felt all of it to the point of my eyes swelling shut, but I did not judge myself for it, nor did I tell myself to be “stronger”.
In short, telling yourself to be strong, or that you should be stronger, both derails your mental and physical healing and lengthens the time it takes to heal. Remove it from your grief vocabulary and let yourself just be.