10 (ok 11) Things Your Widowed Friend Needs You to Know
My list of things I wish I could have told people so long ago.
Here’s the short and sweet list of 10 11 things your widowed friend needs you to know.
{As always, grief is not the same for all, so take these with a grain of salt and ask your friend! These are just mine. Add yours in the comments!}
Widow brain is a thing. We’re going to forget things and seem like we are in a total fog - for a long time. It comes and goes in waves. It’s been scientifically studied. And no, we aren’t “delayed” if it happens years later. Anniversaries and reminders can cause the fog.
We don’t start processing parts of what happened for a long, long time. We process small bits, but sometimes we forget things (or brains protect us that way) for years. Once we remember we have to process them. It happens.
We don’t move on, we move forward. We take what we have learned from our lives with us. Moving on means leaving our lives behind, we want to take what we want with us!
We WANT you to tell us stories. We love to hear stories about our loved ones! The funny, the ridiculous, the reminders and signs you’ve had happen.
We’re not going to steal your husband (or wife!). Yes, this is a thing. I personally was amazed when I found out some friends thought I was going to steal their husbands. HA! No, that’s not happening. They’re missing their friend, too, and helping us helps them work through some of the grief. (and I can’t help it if I hold the key to all the Lake Superior trout spots. 😛)
Closure isn’t a thing. I’ve written before that the the Stages of Grief were not created for those grieving the loss of a loved one (Kubler-Ross created them based on her studies of people dying). The concept of closure and acceptance is not something that we are working towards, so please refrain from saying “maybe they need closure” anytime our grief makes you uncomfortable. It’s not a thing and, honestly, it’s insulting.
We need you to check on us in 6 months, too. And in a year, and in 10 years, etc, etc! Keep asking us to do things. Some days we won’t want to do things, it doesn’t mean that’s permanent.
The 2nd year of grief can actually be more difficult than the first. Don’t be surprised if we are sadder than you would expect. Talk to us and sit with us. It doesn’t mean we are delayed in our grief. This is the same if we have problems in 10 years or 20 or 30. It happens.
Celebrate our loved ones without us present. If we can’t make it to a celebration, don’t be insulted or cancel! Maybe we’re too tired, maybe we are out of town, but PLEASE celebrate them. We don’t ever want them to be forgotten, and you miss them differently than we do 💗
We can love our new partners & spouses FULLY while at the same time missing and loving our late husbands/wives/fiancees/partners. Don’t judge until you’ve been in our shoes. I certainly did not understand this capacity for love until Jim died.
We are secretly afraid our friends will forget us and our loved one. All of the above speaks to that. Thank you for never forgetting them.
And as always, some or all or none of these may apply to you. Grief is a personal process for each of us.
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