The experience of someone dying, or losing a pet, or a job, or our health, or {insert loss here} is traumatic and makes us feel completely powerless. We all, unfortunately, know that.
What many people don’t discuss, though, is that the whole process of grief also makes us feel powerless, and that in itself is traumatic.
We don’t know *what* is happening, why it is happening, nor when it is happening. Mentally, physically, financially - all of the things.
We think we’re OK one moment, then we’re suddenly not. Or we’re in the midst of chaos, and a quick feeling of joy pops in to remind us that we are, in fact, human. But then we revert to extreme guilt, because HOW could we feel that way in this of all situations??
Most of us who are later in grief are still occasionally caught by surprise when we have a very, very bad day (or week). That leads to a lot of self judgment.
We would love the grief process to be something that is easily explained and presented in a tiny little bundle, as if “here, this is what you do and when. And this is what is going to happen here, here, and here. You will feel better by x-date.”
Unfortunately, that’s not how it works, that’s not how any of this works. (I HAD to use my favorite meme-phrase here - because I’ve said it out loud many times. 😂)
There are ways to feel less adrift in the sea of unexpected emotions.
Ways to feel better and take back some control:
Take the self judgment out of it. There is nothing wrong with you. I follow this method - and have tried to for 10+ years:
Know that we will be surprised by our grief for years and decades, and just accept that. It does NOT mean there is anything wrong with us, nor does that mean we are delayed. On the contrary, it means we are healthy. Missing people or pets doesn’t go away. It becomes much better over time, but sadness will pop up.
Feel the feels. Even if it sucks. Then go drink some water. Letting yourself feel those feelings will keep you physically healthier in the long run. You can help your body fight inflammation by not stuffing those feelings down. Acknowledge them, write them down if you want, and then drink some water and go for a walk. You might physically and mentally feel like ish, but that will be for the short term.
Know that grief fog happens even decades later - it just happens for shorter durations. It will happen because you have periods where you will be reminded of something that makes you sad. Doing the things in #3 will help lessen those fogs. Having fog happen, once again, does not mean you are delayed or stuck in your grief.
If we falter, see #1. Give yourself time, grace, & space. Grief is at your own pace, and science has proven that.
The science behind some of the above are why I do my seminars on grief and loss. I don’t want people to feel lost and alone - and I want them to know they are not somehow doing grief “wrong”. You can’t grieve wrong.
Since a lot of the people I want to reach are not able to get to my in person talks, I recently put my Empowering Yourself Through Grief seminar online, and I am including a digital grief journal & workbook with it.
Things I talk about:
Why the "healthiest" grievers determine their bond with the ones they miss.
Why the Stages of Grief are not what you think.
How to handle being a perfectionist when you grieve.
How to empower yourself to grieve in the way you choose - the way that is healthiest for YOU.