The Problem with Dreams

Why we might be expecting our loved ones in the wrong place.

Last week I talked about the ways our loved ones show us signs, and I cautioned that dreams are not always where they show us signs. I’m delving more into that topic because I get a ton of questions about it when I do readings. I feel like there is a lot of shame, self judgement, and unnecessary anger when we don’t see who we want to see in our dreams.

Here’s a bit of a backstory: the only time I ever see my late husband in my dreams, he's yelling at me that I sold his boat. And 99% of the time when I have that dream, I have a fever. It doesn't mean he's telling me he's mad at me for selling his boat. It means I have a fever and need to take better care of myself.

Turns out I'm not the only one.

When I do readings, many people are {understandably} sad that someone has not come to them in a dream even though they have asked them to.

If your loved ones haven't shown up in your dreams, it does not mean they have abandoned you or are upset with you. Instead, it means that either your brain is using your sleep to do other things like healing, resting, or repairing itself and/or that your loved ones want to communicate differently (see last week’s article).

Here are a few things that come up when I talk to people about their dreams:

1. If you are grieving, your brain processes the events surrounding the loss in your sleep. You might even have nightmares about your loved ones because your brain processes traumatic events. These nightmares DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, mean they are stuck, mad at you, scared, in pain, or lost. These nightmares have nothing to do with your loved ones and have everything to do with your healing. 

2. You might have a fever or need more rest if you have a bad dream. This is especially true right after a traumatic loss. Trauma can trigger viral infections and inflammation. More on that research in another piece!

3. Sometimes prescription drugs we’re taking because of trauma actually cause some seriously f'ed up dreams. I used to take a drug for PTSD, and whoa, that stuff caused some interesting magic carpet ride dreams. 😬

In short, any nightmare with a loved one that has died has nothing to do with them being mad or in pain and everything to do with our state of mind and our need to heal. We are not doing anything wrong, and our people and pets are not mad, stuck, or abandoning us.

We need to give our brains and bodies the time, grace, and space to heal. Our loved ones want us to know this, too, and they would rather us use our sleep as a time to heal, instead of us seeing that time as a place where they are *yet again* missing in our lives.

Be kind to yourself, and know that we are loved, even when we can’t see or touch them.