Distorted inner reflections and messy moths.

Transformation isn't beautiful, and that's a powerful thing.

What they say: We are all caterpillars who slowly are forced out of our cozy cocoon into the beautiful shape that is the best version of ourselves.

What is reality: Some of us get pushed out quickly, some of us are moths, some of us are ugly because we have been pushed out too soon and without kindness to ourselves or others, and others are beautiful, gentle, delicate monarchs that disappear too soon.

I wrote the above MONTHS ago and cannot figure out where the first part comes from, or if I actually wrote the “what is reality”, or I saw it and was inspired. I looked everywhere, ran it through a plagiarizer detector… so maybe I am brilliant. I digress…

The toxic positivity of social media culture shows us in simple terms that our transformation journey should be point a to point b, and that we will emerge into a beautiful version of ourselves. We internalize these messages and feel pressure to act in a very specific way to arrive quickly at the changed and better version of us.

What is reality, however, is that it is an up and down, with good, bad, ugly, better, worse, 2 steps forward and occasionally 3 steps back process of transformation to our beautiful selves.

When we don’t end up at the beautiful place right away and are in the midst of our very messy path, we think we have done something wrong. What we don’t know is that everyone experiences this mess, and we will never be able to see the big picture when we are at the center of it.

What is a Distorted Inner Reflection, according to me:

I’m a photographer, so I work in reflections. This is a self-portrait of my reflection in the curved part of a motorcycle. If I looked at that and saw reality, I’d be thinking - HOLY I’m 2 feet tall and have huge hands (or something). Since I know how photography works, I know that the curved reflective surface creates a false image.

This metaphor can be applied to grief, change, or any type of massive transformation. Since we don’t really know what a real transformation looks and feels like, we may not know we are seeing a flawed idea of transformation (and, honestly, there are as many ways to transform as there are humans who have existed).

As the reflective surface in this case, social media shows us that we should be moving in a certain way. It reflects perfection and beauty back to us. When we compare ourselves to that, and think we are doing something wrong, we think we/our transformation looks ugly, when in fact that ugliness expected - just like a distorted reflection is expected when you’re looking in curved reflected surface in a photo.

A distorted inner reflection our own “slow” or “imperfect” actions can delay our transformation in some interesting (and normal) ways:

1. Dismissing the lessons we learn as we transform. This leads to self-doubt and questioning, which in turn delays our growth because we are doubting (which is a lesson in itself. ugh).
   Learn more about that here:

   5 Ways to Learn to Love Yourself After Loss

   
   

2. Shaming ourselves and others when we take too long. Too long to change, too long to grieve, too long to transform, etc. Shame leads to the same or similar inflammation as covid, EBV, etc. This shame makes us sick, which, again delays us.
   I write more about that here:

   Grief, shame, and what's making you sick.

3. Performing for everyone else. When we are performing for approval of our “transformation” we slowly become a version of ourselves that is nothing of what we imagined but is everything that someone else imagined for you. Now we have to start again, with the lesson we’ve learned, to only seek our own approval.
   I explain that here:

   Chasing Approval is Expensive

So, what do we do?

I can say give yourself grace, blah blah blah, but really, I mean it. If you find yourself in any of the above, just know it is part of the messy journey.

You’re not slacking, you’re not failing, you’re not sliding back somehow. That inner reflection and judgement is coming from external forces that don’t reflect the reality of change.

Reframe it (I’m a photographer, I had to say this): you’re adding to the lessons you’ve learned along the way. Write them down in your journal - without judgement or shame. Those lessons are a huge part of something called post traumatic growth, which I am extremely excited to be doing a series on.

Keep moving forward, give yourself some grace, and, when you falter, as we all do, ask yourself where you’re seeing your reflection. It’s essential to your transformation.

Welcome to the Slow AF Messy Moth Club. We’re happy to have you. (I couldn’t figure out what else to call us 😂)

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PS Have you heard about Post Traumatic Growth? I’m excited to talk more about it!